Lew, Noodles and I had a pretty nice weekend in New Jersey. We spent time with my folks (my dad is doing better than he was a year ago), went to the Point Pleasant boardwalk (where Noodles spent entirely too much money playing arcade games, thanks to Mom and Dad), ate ice cream, and went to our favorite Italian restaurant. It was reasonably quiet and peaceful. After we arrived home early Sunday afternoon, we drove out to see Toots at LF, even though she had said she didn’t want us to come. We keep trying to believe that somehow, someday, it will mean something to her that we kept on visiting and didn’t abandon her.
Well, so much for quiet and peaceful.
They put us in the gym to visit, and Toots and Noodles grabbed a basketball and starting playing. At first she was chilly toward us, but then after the four of us had spent a little time together she warmed up, hugging us and calling us “mommy” and “daddy”. She decided she wanted us to take her off the grounds. (Gee, do we see a connection?) We weren’t sure she was allowed to. Her social worker was contacted and gave the OK. We decided to go to a dollar store a few miles away.
Now, Toots has NEVER stayed by our side in a store. (Yes, it makes me nervous. And over the years I have tried a variety of tactics to get her to stay by me. They have failed. And yes, we have caught her shoplifting twice in the past. If she does again, and gets caught by store personnel, the consequences will be her problem.) At any rate, she went off on her own through the dollar store, with $5 she’d earned at LF.
When we all reassembled outside the store, guess what she’d bought?
Yup. Cheapie, plastic, glue-on fake nails. I nearly had a heart attack. After a little discussion with Lew, my reaction was, “If you are bound and determined to ruin your nails, at least you only spent $2 on it.” And I bit my tongue to stop from saying anything more.
Then Lew decided, because it was late in the afternoon, that we should eat dinner out. I wasn’t hungry. He and the kids ate in the little Italian restaurant in the strip mall, and I took a nap in the car. Driving back to LF, Lew started feeling not-so-well. The kids were making a lot of noise in the back seat, poking and punching and giggling. He told them to be quiet. They didn’t stop. I suggested that we stop the car and Toots and I change seats (separating the kids has helped in the past). He wouldn’t stop ‘cause he wanted to get back to LF (where they have bathrooms). The noise continued. I turned around in my seat, looked at them, and told them to be quiet. Toots started screeching that I shouldn’t look at her. Lew said something to her about “doing what your mother says.” She answered in that horrible snotty teenage tone, “WHAT-EVER!” She used that same phrase in response to something else that we said to her (don’t recall what).
When we got out of the car, I held out Toots’ package of leftover pasta to her. She snatched it out of my hand. I said, “Toots, that wasn’t necessary when I was just handing it to you.” “WELL, YOU’RE ALWAYS SO MEAN TO ME! YOU MAKE ME SO MAD!!!!!!”
I will gloss over the next few minutes. Suffice it to say that I was able to clench my teeth, walk away, and not scream at her or attempt to touch her. Lew was able to walk her back to her cottage, during which he got an earful about what mean, terrible parents we are and that she doesn’t want to have calls or visits from us.
Even though we know she’s sick, it hurts, it hurts.
What I wish I could say to her:
“Toots, dearest girl, no one “MAKES” you mad. You GET screaming, raging mad, INSTANTLY, at anything we do or say that doesn’t go exactly your way. You can’t/won’t/don’t control your emotional reactions to normal,everyday events, which are so far out of line that you are dangerous to yourself and to other people. We are trying to keep you safe and give you the chance to develop new ways of responding to the frustrations of daily life.
And that’s why you’ve been locked up for nearly a year.”
P.S. According to what a staff person told Lew when he got her back to the cottage, the plastic nails and glue would be taken from her anyway, because she’s not allowed to have glue.
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