Who's the Boss?

…is a good phrase to describe our present relationship with Toots. 

Weekend before last, we drove up for the day.  Not just to see her, but also take her out to buy a new winter coat.  It is COLD where she is, and her little bomber jacket from last winter (which no longer fits and was too light to begin with) does not suffice.

The visit started out well.  We picked her up and drove to the area’s largest mall.  Glory be, at only the third store we visited, we found a coat she liked and we okayed.  And it was on clearance, 50% off.    Happy, happy!  Then, we found a nice little Italian restaurant tucked away in a corner of the mall, and had a pleasant lunch. 

Since we were not staying overnight, it came time to head back to WP.  On the way, things started to go downhill.  Earlier in the day, Toots had mentioned that she and several other girls had been taken to see an R-rated vampire movie.  This is not OK with Mom and Dad.  Toots is thirteen, an emotionally disturbed, immature thirteen.  If she was living at home, we would not be permitting her to go to R movies.  So, when we arrived back at WP and were hanging out in the visiting room, Lew and I wrote and signed a note to the staff explaining that we do not want her to attend such movies, and asking for their cooperation.  Toots took exception to this.  “I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE MOVIE!!  YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN SEE, I’M A TEENAGER!!  I’M GOING TO TEAR THAT NOTE UP!!”  Etc. etc. ad infinitum.  Lew and I looked at each other and agreed not to engage in discussion with her.  Which enraged her still more.  “SEE, YOU’RE DOING WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO!!! YOU JUST RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS, YOU WON’T TALK ABOUT THEM!!!!!” With which illogical statement, she stomped out of the building and headed back to her cottage, with the administrator on duty running after her. 

And thus we headed for home.

Since then, Lew and I have had a very intense phone session with Toots and her treatment specialist.  Yes, we love her.  Yes, we would prefer that she live with us rather than at WP.  BUT she has to be able to accept our authority as the parents.  She is not the person in charge, and she cannot dictate our behavior toward her.  As I said to her: “Toots, today I had to write a report for my supervisor.  She gave it back to me with five things she wanted me to change.  Now, I didn’t agree with her on all of those changes, but she is my boss and has the right to tell me what to do.  So I went to my computer and made the changes.” (Later, the treatment specialist told us we struck the right note of love and firmness.)

As we have told her over and over, we will never ask her to do something harmful or wrong, but she has to be willing to do what we say. (And it’s not like we, and she, aren’t familiar with every points-and-consequences behavioral program known to humanity.) Not at 13 with us, not at 17 on her first job, not at 21 working as a nurse’s aide, can she screech “OH MY GOD!!!” and run out of the room when asked to do something she doesn’t like.  Or threaten to throw the asker down the stairs.  Or attempt to eat drain cleaner.    Or whatever. 

So we will continue talking, and listening, and trying to stay objective, and helping her develop trust in us.  For as long as it takes.  But for now, with the way she escalates a situation from 0 to 60 in no time flat, it’s not safe for her to live at home, for her or for us. 

It may be easier having her living away.  But it’s not comfortable.   

Comments

[FosterAbba]

I'm sending you all hugs...

[Melissa in TN]

I wish I had something helpful or profound to say. I'm thinking of you all and hoping that things get better soon.

[Mongoose]

I'm just thinking, if she has her heart set on being a nurse or nurse's aid or anything in the medical genre, maybe it would give her some perspective to meet with someone in said field and talk about how often you do or don't get your way in nursing? I'm sure it's an oversimplification on my part but ultimately she will have to CHOOSE not to behave like that - whether now or when she's forty, it has to come down to her own choice and not other people's ability to gain her trust. I think.

[baggage]

Oh boy does this sound familiar! I get the OH MY GOD and run out the room thing all the time. Wishing you some peace.

[AngelNicki]

I'm surprised they were taking kids that young, with emotional problems, to see a movie like that! I've volunteered at RTCs and other places before, and most of them had policies against letting kids see movies with violence or scary scenes, because these movies could easily give kids nightmares or flashbacks.

[Katherine]

I can't believe they took a 13 yo to see an R rated movie! I'll barely let my almost 12 yo see a PG-13 movie.

[Margaret]

Why would they let a 13 y.o. go to an R rated movie??

Still sending you hugs. Sorry I've been a stranger....

[Jo]

I'm sorry, I am sure this feels pretty endless.

[lorrie]

what morons to take a child to a movie like that.....